The 2000s had some truly hilarious comedies, and Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story is one of the funniest of them. When Peter LaFleur (Vince Vaughn) learns that the bank is going to close down his gymnasium if he doesn’t pay his $50,000 of debt, he and his handful of gym regulars come up with a plan. Then they come up with a better plan: the dodgeball tournament in Las Vegas has a first place prize of $50,000. None of them are particularly athletic, so it’s a long shot—but that’s what comedies are all about. With the help of legendary dodgeball player Patches O’Houlihan (Rip Torn) and tax lawyer Kate Veatch (Christine Taylor), they find they’ve got a better chance than Peter originally thought.
As with most of the 2000s comedies, not everything in this movie has aged well. But there’s still so much of it that is just as funny today as it was over two decades ago. This is one of those endlessly quotable comedies, and not just because of Patches’ and White Goodman’s (Ben Stiller) nutty lines. Practically everyone in this movie is funny, whether they’re playing it straight or leaning full-throttle into the absurdity of it all. The most hilarious lines are easy to quote, easy to remember, and elevate the other comical dialogue to gut-busting levels.
10
“Okay, crazy guy. I’m gonna go home now.”
Peter LaFleur (Vince Vaughn)
Peter’s about to drive home, but a stranger in a wheelchair stops him. After telling Peter how bad he and his team were at dodgeball, he says that the only way to get a dodgeball victory is to “grab it by its haunches and hump it into submission!” The delivery of this is nuts, but Peter’s measured reply is arguably even funnier: “Okay, crazy guy. I’m gonna go home now.” And he was ready to get in his car and drive away just like that.
…Peter stays cool under pressure, even to the point where he kind of just accepts whatever happens to him.
Some people might have been disturbed by some guy in an alley rambling about how to win at dodgeball, but Mr. LaFleur didn’t seem affected whatsoever. From his perspective, his life is in such disarray that apparently even wild moments like this don’t bother him. This speaks to his character in general; Peter stays cool under pressure, even to the point where he kind of just accepts whatever happens to him. Overall, this line encapsulates why his and Patches’ opposite energies always work so well with each other. There’s no doubt that Dodgeball is one of Vince Vaughn’s best movies.
9
“No. But I do it anyway, ‘cause it’s sterile, and I like the taste.”
Patches O’Houlihan (Rip Torn)
Patches is trying to teach his new team about dodgeball. After Justin (Justin Long) gets hit in the face with a wrench, Peter calmly asks if using metal tools is necessary for the learning process. “Necessary?” Patches asks. “Is it necessary for me to drink my own urine?” Peter says it probably isn’t, and Patches explains, “No. But I do it anyway, ‘cause it’s sterile, and I like the taste.” The man says this unironically, as if this form of logic totally makes sense in this (or any) context.
…The fact that Peter and Patches are doing this back and forth while Justin is writhing in pain on the floor makes this line even better.
Patches has already come across as an eccentric, but this line makes it perfectly clear just how crazy he is. What is the comparison even supposed to be here? Is he trying to say that he likes to throw wrenches at people who don’t yet have the skills to dodge them properly? Meanwhile, the fact that Peter and Patches are doing this back and forth while Justin is writhing in pain on the floor makes this line even better. Randomness is the name of the game with Patches, and the absurdity of this comedy is anchored by quotes like this.
8
“That’s rad…”
Pepper Brooks (Jason Bateman)
The very first dodgeball match that Average Joe’s team plays doesn’t quite go as planned. Owen (Joel David Moore) ordered new and improved uniforms, but the ones he ordered got switched up with another team’s uniforms. Instead of wearing normal-looking red and gold shirts and shorts, they have to wear some inappropriate BDSM gear. It’s hilarious seeing them walk out, and the commentators are just as shocked as the audience. The younger and much-dumber color commentator, Pepper Brooks (Jason Bateman), stares and says, “That’s rad…”
Bateman’s delivery here is fantastic.
Bateman’s delivery here is fantastic. Pepper doesn’t mean this as a compliment; it’s more like he’s trying to think of something to say. The fact that even he’s at a loss combines with his overall stoner vibe in a way that really makes these rather revealing leather uniforms seem even more embarrassing and out of place. Most of Pepper’s lines are funny, but seeing him caught off guard might make this the best one.
7
“Your best player thinks he’s a pirate!”
White Goodman (Ben Stiller)
Sometimes the villain has a good point, and it’s genuinely funny. This is one of those times: White and his dodgeball team are antagonizing their rivals at a bar, and Peter tries to cool things down. His team just came here to have a good time, and White’s team should do the same. White scoffs at the very notion that LaFleur even has a team: “Team? What team? Your best player thinks he’s a pirate!”
Steve’s response makes this twice as funny; he’s so mad he yells and stands up from the table.
We can tell just from looking at Owen, Justin, and Gordon that Steve (Alan Tudyk) has got to be better than the rest of them. Maybe Goodman’s guessing a little when he claims the pirate is the very best on the team (Peter even tells him that it’s too early to tell), but he’s not far off. More to the point, a player with a pirate obsession is still so delusional that it certainly says something about how hopeless Average Joe’s is at the moment. Steve’s response makes this twice as funny; he’s so mad he yells and stands up from the table. As a whole, this is definitely a highlight that helps make this comedy such a classic.
6
“L for Love!”
Gordon Pibb (Stephen Root)
It’s not a good sign that Gordon (Stephen Root) doesn’t even know his family showed up to his first match until Owen tells him. Gordon’s second wife knows he doesn’t like it when she watches him, and apparently she was a “mail-order” wife. When Peter asks how their relationship is going, Gordon’s voice reaches such a high pitch that his answer, “Really great,” sounds very misleading. Sure enough, when he calls over to her, she makes an L with her fingers. Gordy makes an L of his own and calls out “L for love!”—blissfully unaware of what the sign stands for.
…Gordon should at least be able to read the open hostility in her facial expressions and body language there.
Dwight (Chris Williams) tries to tell him that L actually means “loser,” but Peter stops him just in time. Even without knowing what the L stands for, Gordon should at least be able to read the open hostility in her facial expressions and body language there. But no, he’s just not reading between the lines. The obvious contrast between how well Gordon says his marriage is going and how disastrously everyone else can tell it’s going makes for one of the best quotes of the movie.
5
“Well, it’s probably the way he would have wanted to go.”
Owen Dittman (Joel David Moore)
Coach O’Houlihan gets crushed to death by a sign that reads “Luck of the Irish! Bar and Grill,” so the team is feeling pretty dejected. But Owen tries to look on the bright side by saying something that’s not uncommon for people to say after someone’s passing: “Well, it’s probably the way he would have wanted to go.” Unfortunately, that doesn’t really make sense in this context. Dwight’s reaction sums it up: “What?”
Owen chooses the worst possible phrase to use here, and it’s hilarious.
It’s difficult to imagine that anyone would want to die in such a random and cartoonish fashion. Owen chooses the worst possible phrase to use here, and it’s hilarious. It makes the audience wonder how in the world getting crushed and electrocuted by a restaurant sign would be anyone’s preferred way to die. It also shows a character responding to something absurd as if it were relatively normal, which often yields comedy gold (leprechaun gold, in this case).
4
“Dodge, duck, dip, dive, and…dodge.”
Young Patches O’Houlihan (Hank Azaria) and Old Patches O’Houlihan (Rip Torn)
There is a famous motto that gets repeated in Dodgeball. We first hear it in an old instructional video, in which a young and strong-looking Patches O’Houlihan (played by the great Simpsons-veteran Hank Azaria) tells viewers, “Just remember the five D’s of dodgeball: dodge, duck, dip, dive, and…dodge.” The redundant D is never explained, and that’s part of the film’s overall charm. However, how this phrase gets used throughout the film makes it better and better.
When the movie is over, the five D’s of dodgeball are stuck in the viewer’s minds—and may they dwell there forever.
For instance, when we hear the much-older Patches telling the Average Joe’s team about the five D’s, it’s amusing that he still hasn’t cut it down to the four D’s after all these years. Then we get a training montage in which Patches repeats the phrase while throwing wrenches at everyone. It’s funny enough to watch them fail, but it’s hilarious to see that the motto doesn’t seem to be helping them at all. When the movie is over, the five D’s of dodgeball are stuck in the viewer’s minds—and may they dwell there forever.
3
“That’s it, boy. Get in there nice and deep-like.”
Weird Guy with the Monster Truck (Jim Cody Williams)
It’s not great when even Gordon is pessimistic. Average Joe’s tries to make money with an all-male car wash, but they’re right across the street from an enticing all-female car wash. While the ladies have been very successful, Gordon tells them the only customer they’ve had is a weird guy (Jim Cody Williams) who “keeps paying Justin to wash his truck.” At this point, they all turn around to see Justin scrubbing the wheel of a monster truck while a middle-aged man and his pitbull watch. The guy says, “That’s it, boy. Get in there nice and deep-like.”
…The weird guy is picking his bellybutton while his dog is barking at Justin…
After hearing that, it almost feels like the day would have been better if that guy hadn’t come. It’s already creepy to hear that he “keeps paying” Justin to wash his truck, as if this has been happening for hours, but the line emphasizes the creepiness just about as far as it can go. Also, the weird guy is picking his bellybutton while his dog is barking at Justin—the complete opposite vibes as the car wash across the street. Such a spectacular failure helps make this one of the best comedies of the century so far.
2
“I think that guy might really be dead…”
Justin Redman (Justin Long)
Fran (Missi Pyle) is from a strange land where dodgeball is the national sport, and her team has won the national dodgeball championship five years in a row. White calls her the deadliest woman on earth with a dodgeball, and she demonstrates that by throwing a dodgeball at some random guy in the bar who wasn’t even listening to them. Fran apparently kills this guy on impact, and the conversation keeps going as if no authorities need be involved here. Looking back, a terrified Justin whispers to Dwight, “I think that guy might really be dead.”
Fran apparently kills this guy on impact, and the conversation keeps going as if no authorities need be involved here.
In this world, you can just kill people with dodgeballs with impunity. No one even goes to check that man’s pulse, as if that kind of stuff just happens in this bar all the time. Even Gordon ignores the dead guy to complain about The Purple Cobras never entering a regional qualifying match. Normalizing this scenario, and then inserting just a brief shot of realism to remind us of how messed up it is when you stop to think about it, makes this one of the most hysterical quotes in the film.
1
“If you can dodge (object), you can dodge a ball.”
Patches O’Houlihan (Rip Torn)
Patches’ first drill for the Average Joe’s team is based around the idea of making sure they learn the five D’s of dodgeball. Justin raises his hand, asking if they should practice by dodging balls that get thrown at them. Patches’ reply is not what they expected: “That’s what this sack of wrenches is for.” After unloading the sack, he says, “If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball.” Justin says, “What?” and Patches immediately throws a wrench at the boy. It hits him in the face, and Justin is down for the count. This is hilariously extreme, and it gets worse.
There is no connection between dodging oncoming traffic and dodging balls whatsoever.
Another drill involves crossing the street when there’s an alarming number of cars on the road. As Gordon makes his attempt, Patches calls out “If you can dodge traffic, you can dodge a ball!” Of course, Gordon gets slammed into (twice). Watching a guy get hurt (but not too hurt) like this is priceless, especially because he’s willingly participating in such a ridiculous drill. The wrenches were insane enough, but cars aren’t even throwable objects. There is no connection between dodging oncoming traffic and dodging balls whatsoever. In the end, Patches telling his team to dodge irrelevant and dangerous things helps make this possibly one of the greatest sports movies of all time.